Saturday, 25 March 2017

Dear Mum

I know I've thanked you and I know you know - I love you.  But do you really know how much?

I don't remember my first years with you but something special happened not long ago and it didn't just change me, it changed everything.

I became a mum too.  Somewhere during that time, I began to relive the parts of our lives that only you remember.  Some of the hardest parts I know you've lived.

From the moment I was on that hospital bed, holding your hand shouting all the "F***s" I could possibly muster through contractions - I had this profound moment of thinking:

"How did my mother do this THREE times?"

Here is where I thank you, here is where I thank you from a deeper place.  Places I have found myself since becoming a mum time and time again - the indescribably joyful place, the painful place, the place where options are not an option. 

Your journey into motherhood was different to mine, you had no mother, you cared for your father and when we hit our teenage years - you were faced to go it alone.    I don't know how I'd do this without you, let alone without my children's father.  Mum, you are amazing.

Dear Mum

You carried me and nurtured me,
Before I'd breathed the air.
Handled those crazy hormonal cues
And temporarily lost your hair.

You were hit with crucial decisions 
In your bed or the bl**dy cot.
To kiss and cuddle, cry it out
Breast or bottle, dummy or not.

You felt the horrible mummy blues,
the trembling hands and tired eyes.
Your life had changed forever,
which came as quite a surprise.

Those early years were tough.
You sailed all that though, I can see!
Your sacrifices and your choices
All helped make me, me.

You taught me how to "do myself"
Touché mum - I get that now.
The parent hacks you now share with me
You rightly so, should take a bow.

You gave up your right to pee alone,
Or drink warm cups of Tetley tea.
Your social life went POOF 
And you sacrificed it all for me.

I often wonder how you did it,
Three childrens worth of parties.
Random parents screaming kids galore,
All high on f**king smarties.

That fashion sense with all those frills!
I get it now, to catch my spills?
My hand sewn berets and poofy dresses.
My brothers hand-me-downs gave me stresses.

How many beds have you changed?
Filled with sick, pee and poo.
Sleepless nights and lonely days,
Oh mum, I now feel them too.

You didn't know way back then,
That I'd become a mother too.
Yet you knew to teach me all the basics
Right down to scrubbing the sh*tty loo.

Reenacting your young mummy days,
I sit sipping on my G&T
muttering "This will end in tears." 
Like you used to do 'Mummy Referee.'

Now I understand how you lost your sh*t.
Baring witness to my fifth tattoo.
Your sweet baby drinking cheap cider, 
Riding motorbikes and smoking wacky boo.

You were faced with mummy guilt
and that awful worry too.
The kind that never goes away 
Regardless of how old we get for you.

Your choices weren't always right
But that's what made me stronger.
You taught me how mistakes are good,
Some lessons take time to ponder.

You lost your husband and my daddy,
Second partner, Mother and Father.
Yet you still smile through all that pain
Your strength - I still can't gather.

Through all the suffering you have had
Your cheeky smile forever grows
Your warmth and compassion has no end 
To friends and strangers whims and woes.

Alone you stood on my wedding day,
You found the courage to speak.
Words my dad would kindly welcome,
They truly made me weep.

You held your Grandchildren close to you
Just like you did with me.
It was then I got to witness
Exactly what you used to see.

You cradled my sweet daughters
And I witnessed your eyes glow
Your hands in theirs, your daughters child
A new type of love had begun to grow.

You pushed me to believe my talent 
So today I share that wisely
Of spreading love through words
To help raise our mums up highly.

These words are for all mothers
Those here and up above
There is nothing more beautiful
Than that of a mothers love.